For reasons we cannot get into here, For What It’s Worth has recently secured some audio recordings from Brendan Shanahan’s office at NHL headquarters located in New York City. Shanahan is the league’s disciplinary czar and he has been very busy here in the first round of the 2012 NHL Playoffs. Here are some excerpts from the transcript between Shanahan and various other NHL employees recorded between April 16th and April 17th.
April 16th -8:32am
Colin Campbell (NHL Executive VP & Director of of Hockey Operations): Wow, I’m happy I’m not in your shoes anymore.
Brendan Shanahan: Well, a guy has to start somewhere in this office.
Campbell: So, what are you going to do?
Shanahan: About what?
Campbell: What do you mean about what? Flyers…Penguins. If you thought Game 2 was chippy, yesterday was like a Walmart opening its doors on Black Friday.
Shanahan: I didn’t see the game. I spent a glorious afternoon at the Museum of Modern Art checking out the Diego Rivera exhibition. Did you know he was just MOMA’s second monographic exhibition? After Henry Matisse of course.
Campbell: Right. I believe it set a MOMA attendance record during its original 5-week run from December 1931-January 1932. I appreciate his brilliance as much as the next guy, but you got a big crap-storm to sort out.
Shanahan: What happened? Surely, these two teams who embody sportsmanship and fair play wouldn’t have done anything that I should be concerned with!
Campbell: You may want to look at the tape.
Shanahan: Man, I hate Mondays.
April 16th - 12:32pm
Gary Bettman (NHL Commissioner): So Brendan, what are you going to do about the Flyers and Penguins?
Shanahan: I don’t know Chief. That was some pretty ugly stuff. I mean Kimmo Timonen and Kris Letang fighting? Claude Giroux and Sidney Crosby? What was Aaron Asham thinking? I mean we’ve all wanted to crosscheck a guy in the throat. But to go out and really do it? That’s another thing. And 10 years ago we would have been celebrating James Neal’s hit on Sean Couturier. Now, with the concussions and everything, I probably got to give him something.
Bettman: We need to send a message to some of these guys. Although it has to be the right message.
Shanahan: Why did you just wink at me?
Bettman: Brendan, our ratings are higher than ever here in the United States. Did you see those Philly fans at the game? They were loving it!
Shanahan: Well, it helps we’re actually on TV in the States now.
Bettman: All I know is, while some guys are skewering us in the media, the fans are tuning in. We’ve got to say, “We are concerned with player safety” but still promote the beautiful violence of the sport.
April 16th - 1:34pm
Shanahan: So I just talked to Andrew Shaw from Chicago.
Campbell: And what did he have to say for himself?
Shanahan: Well, he doesn’t see what the big deal is, he was trying to avoid hitting [Mike] Smith, he’s sorry, the same old B.S. What would you do?
Campbell: Roll a die.
Campbell: When I used to have to suspend guys, I used to just roll a die. One-to-six games!
Shanahan: You used to roll a die? How did it come up with one so many times then?
Campbell: I had a special die made that had three ones on it, two twos and a five.
Shanahan: Plus, I’ve got to go and explain everything on those damn videos. Who came up with that brilliant idea?
Campbell: That consultant who came in last summer and thought communicating directly to fans was a good idea.
Shanahan: Anyways, I’ll be releasing the suspensions tomorrow. Right now I’ve got to go to the studio and get my make-up on.
April 17th - 8:36am
Campbell: When it rains it pours, eh Shanny?
Shanahan: What does that mean?
Campbell: Don’t tell me you missed it? Nicklas Backstrom…match penalty against the Bruins last night.
Shanahan: Backstrom got a match? What is this league turning into? I missed the game. Monday nights I volunteer with the New York City Coalition Against Hunger. Did you know 1.5 million New Yorkers face food insecurity on an annual basis!
Campbell: I know. Even more, 1 in 4 are children. Well, back to business. You’re going to want to watch the tape. Back in my day, a great player like Backstrom would have gotten a slap on the wrist.
Shanahan: Like the one I gave to Shea Weber after he slammed Henrik Zetterberg’s face into the glass?
Campbell: Well, maybe we’re more alike than I thought.
April 17th 6:34pm
Bettman: Hey, tough couple of days around here for you.
Shanahan: Yeah, I hope these guys get the message we’re not messing around.
Bettman: 4-games for Asham was fine. We can’t have that in our league. And 1-game for Backstrom for doing pretty much the same thing was good too. We can’t have our superstars missing too much time.
Shanahan: I got a lot more respect for Colly now.
Bettman: Everyone thinks this job is so easy.
Shanahan: Well, I’m going to head home and check out Venus on my telescope. It’s always so bright at this time of year.
Bettman: Did you just see that? On the TV?
Shanahan: What now?
Bettman: Raffi Torres just steamrolled Marian Hossa. Oh boy. He’s not getting up.
Shanahan: Gary. I think I’m going to get a drink.